CHAPTER 1

Strength in Vulnerability (Saying “Nobody’s Perfect,” and Meaning It)

LOWER YOUR WALL

If I were to begin life again, I should want it as it were. I would only open my eyes a little more.

—JULES RENARD, FRENCH WRITER

LET’S START OUR ADVENTURES in communication by taking a brave look at what seems distasteful, painful, or threatening in interactions with others so we can see what holds us back. Fear is inherent in our hidden challenges. Maybe you’re afraid to the point of freezing in some scenarios, or maybe just a little nervous and feeling butterflies in your stomach. The same emotion casts a wide net. We’re going to outfox our fear by changing it into a tool. When fear shows up, we’ll consider it an important alert that courage is required to move forward. Then we can muster some bravery. We can say, “Fear is here. Something challenging must be coming to light for me.”

Recently I’ve managed to find myself with a broken elbow, torn ligaments, things like that, just working (and falling) around the house. This led me begrudgingly to physical therapy, where I luckily came under the care of Dr. Brittany Knight. She’s very unassuming despite all the certifications after her name (PT, DPT, ATC, COMT, CBFE, OCS, and I’m sure more achieved and more to come). We’ve had lots of talks about pain. I am not particularly brave about enduring it. From her, I’ve learned to view pain as a messenger rather than a threat. The body speaks. When I listen, I can take the time and learn new skills and exercises to give it what it needs. The same goes for our communication. Where our work or personal relationships are off-kilter, or we feel fear, it’s a signal that practice, learning, and courage are required to improve our situation.

FEAR CAN BE A FRIEND

Some days fear wins; that’s just a fact. It always gets me fired up when it does. I can do better, and know that you can, too. You are your own best guide. You already have natural instinct and inner wisdom. This book will add a piece to the puzzle of you reaching your potential. It’s here to help you understand overlooked parts of your communication and hone your strategy with courage and conviction.

The methods I suggest have helped lots of folks release some anxiety about communication. Some of it, not all of it, but they’re flying higher as communicators after studying the concepts this book shares. Even the most resilient among us have worries tucked away that get in our way as we deal with other humans.

I’m a middle-aged white woman from a middle-class family in Indiana in the United States of America. That sounds unglamorous to some, but I love the Midwest, especially the work ethic of my homeland. I’m a trainer, coach, and lucky to be doing what I love to do: encouraging you to set a higher bar for how you communicate by embracing risk courageously. I wasn’t always a risk-taking communicator. In stepping toward risk as I gained life experience (got older), I’ve found it makes my communication stand out. Anyone can stand out as a communicator. Consider this your invitation. It’s not an exclusive club, but it is SO worth joining.

Fear bolsters obstacles like our hidden communication challenges. It’s also natural and can be lifesaving. Unfortunately, it can overtake our spirit and dilute our power. It shape-shifts and seems to try with a life of its own to avoid detection.

INTRODUCING THE HIDDEN CHALLENGES

No one wants to seem weak. It’s hard to say “I’m afraid that . . .,” so we construct cunning little tricks to prevent the “ick” feelings we’re afraid of from surfacing. This protective response creates our hidden challenges. Our tricks trick us. They can become habits before we know it. The fears that inhabit human communication can be overcome with some experimentation. I view hidden challenges as calls to take part in a competition with ourselves. They are gunking up the gears of how we project and receive information. They are definitely related, but divisible into four main categories: Hiding from Risk, Defining to Be Right, Rationalizing the Negative, and Settling for “Good Enough.”

The terms we use to describe hidden challenges are not as critical as having the guts to actually face them. The fears they require us to see are often just beyond our perception until we do some self-study with an open mind.

We may fear rejection or retribution if we engage more fully as communicators. That’s one of the reasons harassment in the workplace isn’t always reported. The cold shoulder from other humans hurts whether you’re 8 or 88. Everyone wants to be accepted, to varying degrees. We might fear failure and seek to avoid embarrassment, which inhibits risk-taking in communication. All of us hope to succeed as speakers, writers, and listeners.

We might fear change or see fear in others who want us to remain as we are, which makes it hard for them to support our growth. We all enjoy the comfort of being able to accurately predict someone’s behavior. Our desire to feel comfortable is a major roadblock to growth, because the best challenges for us are never the easy options.

Good for you for picking up this book if any of the above sounds familiar. Your next step will be to invest time to complete the exercises at the end of each chapter. An investment in yourself is the best investment you’ll ever make.

Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.

—PAULO COELHO, BRAZILIAN LYRICIST AND NOVELIST

You’ll encounter your fair share of twists and turns, no matter who you communicate with, where you live, or what you do for a living. We have to summon our courage. We have to start wherever we’ve landed, and we can start today. We can begin in interactions with the people around us. There’s no staying static; we either evolve or regress as communicators.

Courage grows in proportion to the fire in your belly to pursue a communication mission. You may find motivation in pursuing opportunities to lead (influence), or in earning respect by helping others (significance), or in embracing security that comes from education, financial independence, or your relationships. Most likely, you’ll value all these rewards with varying vigor and interest as you age and change, and as circumstances change around you.

OF COURSE, ATTITUDE COUNTS

There’s one trait that isn’t likely to change once it crystalizes unless you self-reflect and redirect it. It’s mindset. It’s an either/or choice. The scary thing is many of us don’t even realize we’ve made a choice long ago about our mindset related to communication. You can always change your choice if you want to. It’s an important one to make: is communication vital and rewarding, or is it a drag, an afterthought? Another important option, and it’s yours alone: will you try to appear indomitable, or instead accept your human-ness (always a wild and changing mix of superpowers and weaknesses)?

Let’s investigate our attitude about exchanging messages with others. Before you answer, consider this. Optimism powerfully influences how messages form in our brain and how they land as we deliver them. Optimism requires us to hope for the best, to be vulnerable, to expose ourselves to potential losses. As we extend ourselves, our hopes might be dashed and our hearts will sometimes break. If we have a successful outcome in mind to shoot for when we communicate (such as “we’re going to win more business through this presentation”), we can get up repeatedly, visualize new possible communication outcomes and get back in the game, undeterred when things don’t go our way. As you take more risks, you will gain resilience.

I believe communication is a vital tool worthy of a lifetime of study. Optimism has been my saving grace through every wrong choice and cringe-worthy personal gaffe so far. My parents Rosemary and Adrian, and older siblings Mark and Mike role-modeled humor in sorrowful times. They taught me to distinguish a real disaster from a bad day. Of course, that’s what we do as kids—internalize the messages and modeling we see around us as we grow up.

If you’re around kids, you’re probably planting some seeds in their brains by your example in daily interactions. Kids watch closely to see what the rules are in the world of communication, and they replicate or are forced to sort out later what you demonstrate today.

Optimism will be the first Pro Move we address. A Pro Move is a best practice that requires some panache to pull off. It’s not about pretending everything’s coming up roses. It’s realizing that since one word, one act of asking or listening, can light up the darkness, we’re silly not to take the risk to try. It’s about working the problem rather than being swallowed up by it. Looking at the pluses as closely as the minuses and anchoring your message to them requires courage.

IMPROVE YOUR OUTLOOK AS A COMMUNICATOR

You are free to experiment with how your worldview affects your communication. We all get stuck sometimes focusing on what’s wrong rather than what could be made better. To get a more energizing outlook, meaningful steps forward might include you choosing to:

1. Notice negative self-talk, then introduce a second voice to debate the critical voice. “I tell myself X when in fact, Y is probably more accurate or also accurate.”

2. Be uplifting as you engage others. When you can’t pull it off, it’s time to recharge. Use an idea from a self-care menu (a simple list of diverse ways you relax and enjoy life) to show compassion for yourself. You deserve to create a self-care menu. The fun part is to keep adding to it as your needs and tastes change.

3. Develop a short personal mission statement to help you keep your head up through difficult days. Answer “What am I contributing when I communicate and how does it help those who receive my communication?” Post your answer in your line of sight. (Shout out to our clients who use this Pro Move by placing their mission statement where they can see it!)

4. List your successes in the past few days or weeks. Notice where you demonstrate courage to achieve something you otherwise wouldn’t have. Your bravery doesn’t come and go. It’s there, although it may be obscured by fear. All you need to do is call on it when you’d like it to show up.

5. Send notes of encouragement to people who are struggling, others who are making progress, and sure, send a note to someone who is already standing in the sunshine, succeeding. State what you admire in their values, personality, or accomplishments. Two or three sentences are enough if you don’t love to write.

It pays to try to find value in literally anything that comes your way in the full range of communication scenarios, from the most negative to the most gratifying exchanges you experience. Did you know those who consider the positive side of risks often live longer? One of many studies on the topic involving more than 70,000 people was published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. Researchers found the most optimistic were 50% to 70% more likely to reach age 85 or older. Even if we aren’t as mobile at age 85, we can hope to still have our communication chops on the ready as we engage in healthy communication to bolster our wellness.

Many hypotheses about why positive thinkers live longer correlate to sticking your neck out as a communicator: talking through stressful situations, regulating your emotions and resulting behaviors, having a network of supportive people because you’ve been vulnerable enough to develop meaningful relationships, believing you have some control over outcomes when you take risk. Good news: looking for the positives in risk and change is a learnable trait. Gratitude and giving back are two enjoyable ways to gain skill in this area. Nongenetic factors like our mindset have a profound effect on our life span, and our quality of life at any age.

TAKE STOCK OF WHERE YOU ARE AS A COMMUNICATOR

One of the fun things about being a communication coach is guiding clients to be brave (vulnerable) enough to take what we call The Feedback Challenge. You can take it, too.

It originated in communication skills training for the 122nd Air Force Fighter Wing, the Blacksnakes. I challenged them to find out what others did and did not appreciate about working with them by asking for some honest upward feedback. It’s useful to think about welcoming others’ opinions in the framework proposed by Charles and Edith Seashore with Gerald Weinberg. In their book What Did You Say?: The Art and Science of Giving and Receiving Feedback, feedback is information about past behavior, delivered in the present, to possibly influence future behavior.

The Pro Move of asking for opinions (directly, and about feelings) was outside Fighter Wing protocol. For example, higher- ranking team members don’t usually ask lower-ranking airmen for their opinions in this way in military culture. They assured me they could do it, said they “eat feedback for breakfast,” and off they went. I was so impressed with the depth of their results. They executed the exercise sincerely and respectfully, which brought in lots of good, honest data. One senior commander later emailed me summary notes he’d taken and an action plan he authored. It detailed how he planned to make small, doable changes to his leadership style to provide what his employees hoped to receive: more frequent updates, open discussion about career possibilities, and help with conflict resolution. Those categories come up frequently for people around the nation who have the courage to investigate how they’re perceived.

Choose a few coworkers, customers, and people you know from personal life, then ask for opinions about what they like most and least about communicating with you. Emphasize to people you survey they can’t get this wrong; it’s purely their opinion you’re after. No matter their response, keep your reply sincere and short: “Thanks, I’ll think about this.” Say it warmly. And mean it.

Then do the thinking you promised to do. The data you receive is a gift. Take time to process both the praise and the criticism. Enjoy the praise. Mull over the criticism, but don’t beat yourself up about them. You might discover that coworkers or loved ones wish for different behaviors from you, more or less of something, likely related to how you’ve dedicated yourself to thinking. It’s your call at this point: are there habits you’re interested in changing?

In The Art of Happiness at Work by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Dr. Howard Cutler, we find useful insight about why it’s sometimes tough to change the habitual ways we see and interact in the world:

When it comes down to it, many of us resist giving up our misery. As miserable as some people might be, for many there is a kind of perverse pleasure in the self-righteous indignation one feels when one is treated unfairly. We hold on to our pain, wear it like a badge, it becomes part of us and we are reluctant to give it up. After all, at least our characteristic ways of looking at the world are familiar. Letting go of our customary responses, as destructive as they may be, may seem frightening, and often that fear abides on a deeply ingrained subconscious level.

The vulnerability to even consider making a change requires a mix of courage and optimism. Facing fear while you’re holding on to hope is about as far as one can get from weak. It’s the “A-HA” moment in many executive coaching programs, which you are in a way now enrolled in via this book.

You deserve applause for inviting others to be real with you. In training audiences of 50 or 500, when we offer this exercise as optional, about 10% of participants take it on. It’s not for the faint of heart. It’s for the lion-hearted. It helps you gain power as a communicator.

Wouldn’t you respect the person doing the asking in The Feedback Challenge, be honored if they chose you, and be impressed they want to see themselves as others do? It’s a pretty universal outcome, that respect you’ll earn, and well-deserved. Be approachable when you ask for participants’ opinions, and never punish someone for being real with you. You have to look these folks in the eye and say good morning (and mean it) the next day.

Communicating with courage can change your reputation for the better. As you become known as negatively or positively powerful, your opportunities shrink or expand. Ask yourself: “What’s my reputation these days, the good and bad? How would people describe me if I’m being totally honest?” Please know that for all of us, there are legitimate answers to consider under both the “good” and “bad” categories—for every single one of us.

Thousands of people around the US have given The Feedback Challenge exercise a try, and they all should have been trying to make it safe for respondents to tell the truth. None of them who shared their results with me walked away from the exercise with only praise or only criticism. We all earn both and should receive both.

If The Feedback Challenge seems like too much work, OK, I’ll offer a modification that requires less time and talking. Just sit quietly for a moment. Press “pause” on everything you have going on and analyze how you likely made the person you last communicated with feel. Did they have your full attention? Did you elevate them in some way? Were you trying to feel what they felt? Any Pro Moves going on with you in your communication? What do you usually make people you communicate with feel? If the answer is “nothing,” think twice about whether that’s really the path you want to take. These contemplations help us take stock of where we are as communicators, one yardstick to measure success in life. It’s a great place to start before you dive into the rest of this book, which will offer more exercises so you can think, learn, and DO.

As you ponder your effect on others, decide which descriptors you’re proud to carry and which you’d prefer to leave behind as you build your reputation. I suggest a little talk with yourself about the value of lowering your defenses as you study what others see as your weaker points. You’ll likely refer to your weaker points when you help others process constructive criticism, so they feel less alone. One of our most important to-dos is to like ourselves despite the truth of criticism offered by others, and it can be a lifelong process. It’s wise and rare to simply recognize this truth. I think sometimes we pretend to like ourselves, puff up our chests, but hurt inside because we are still wrestling with old fear. Or maybe that’s just me.

HELP PEOPLE SEE YOU IN A BETTER LIGHT

If you want people to know that you’re trying to change, tell them! As you know, humans can be lazy. Those who have to work or live with you have already put in considerable effort to figure you out. If you want them to see a different, evolved “you,” publicize what you plan to change. Give us a clue to watch for it. Perhaps you’ll read a book, attend a seminar, receive a performance review, or have a heart-to-heart that alerts you something in your behavior merits a longer look. You’ll get excited to become a better communicator, person, boss, or coworker. Good for you! Just be aware that none of the rest of your circle got that memo. Here’s your Pro Move: let us know what your goals are.

Like muscles, your ability to remain humble as you take risks gets stronger with use. Drop hints in conversations that you’re aware you can be an obstacle sometimes (and name the way specifically, a courageous Pro Move, I dare you). Say that you’d like to change. Apologize when it’s called for. Invite others to hold you accountable.

Come up with sneaky “tells” others can use—a throat-clearing, a hand motion, a secret phrase a friend or coworker employs to alert you to your behavior. If someone will partner with you in this strategy, it’s a favor for sure. Make sure you return the favor in a thoughtful way. Your helper could let you know “I noticed you doing that thing again you said you don’t want to do,” or “you’re not doing what you could be doing.” They, the feedback-givers and hint-droppers, are courageous. They’re sticking their neck out for you. Have you done the same for another person yet this week? We can pause here while you send a quick email if you’d like. Could you check on their project or let them know you saw the email and thought it was helpful?

Helper people are so cool. You can gain power to flow into new behavior in real time, thanks to them. The risk here is the Pro Move, too: to open up the door and let ’em in. If you don’t have a helper in mind, you can help yourself by reviewing your day as it ends, thinking about which communications were most important, then recalling what you did well and would do better in hindsight. Get some rest and start again; tomorrow is a new day filled with opportunities to polish how you exchange information.

Publicizing what you plan to change is especially admirable if you possess a leadership role and decision-making authority. You can become a role model for getting real. Realness is an unforgettable and all-too-rare style. You can show the less powerful that seeing one’s weaker points and accepting them as one tries to change is allowed in your friend group, family, or organization. This impression management strategy is good for everybody in the workplace, especially beneficial to the people at the top. It increases their credibility as it improves company culture.

Here’s an understatement: you’re going to communicate with a broad range of humans in your lifetime. A few of these relationships will be lifelong. Some interactions are brief, others include decades of co-working or co-living. In every case, you want to be heard and you want your views respected. Your interaction partners want the same from you.

Human behavior researchers estimate we make a few thousand decisions daily. Each decision influences our actions. Actions create our reputation and hopefully, lead to a legacy of which we can be proud. Like those around you, you probably invest time trying to figure people out to maximize communication outcomes, whether you realize you’re doing it or not.

UNDERSTANDING PERSONALITY AS A GROWTH TOOL

A solid starting point for figuring out how to aim messages to land well is to consider personality: a complex combination of qualities and preferences. There are several robust, valid, reliable personality surveys on the market and others less comprehensive but still fun. Pro Move: take one soon for an eye-opening look at how others experience you and what makes you tick.

One constant in personality surveys is a map of four main social styles. We each possess a mix, with stronger abilities in one or two orientations. Humans are too richly blessed and sometimes too stressed to interact from just one orientation. I refer to these styles as driver, expressive, amiable, and analyst, terms coined by psychologist David Merrill. You may recognize yourself in a few definitions below. It’s a good first step toward courageous vulnerability: acknowledging that your best abilities come with liabilities if overused.

Driver (a natural leader): confident and direct, built to achieve and succeed. Does a lot in a short amount of time. Self-motivated. Downsides: blunt, likely to prioritize tasks before relationships.

Expressive (an influencer): verbal, articulate, can talk with anyone about anything. Gifted relationship-builders. Charismatic presenters. Generally experienced as optimistic, with a positive mindset. Downsides: listening skills may be lacking, may be jealous of others who receive more attention.

Amiable (a steady team player): concerned about others, fairness, and keeping the peace. Downsides: often conflict avoidant, trying to maintain harmony when healthy debate, assertion, or confrontation is needed.

Analyst (a deep thinker): researcher, quality control specialist, accurate, does not bluff, instead puts in the work to gain subject matter expertise. Downsides: may struggle with or leave others around them struggling with their tendency towards pessimism or perfectionism.

Look at the people around you—your family, your team, and show them you value their priorities through your words and actions. You can start with “I respect that X (having choices, relationships, efficiency, fairness) is important to you . . .”

Take an educated guess at personality traits others possess before you ask for a job, promotion, raise, discount, favor, or feedback, so you can adjust your approach to incorporate the other’s lens on the world. Or perhaps you want to improve communication with a special someone, or an especially difficult someone in your life. Start communicating in a style that better matches their own, and show respect for it. You might create a breakthrough if you stop hoping to change someone else’s personality and instead adjust your style to complement it.

THE TEAM CHECK-IN

You can polish your powers of observation in a Team Check-In to see others more fully as you start phone, video, or in-person meetings. It fosters candid communication. People will get that you respect what’s valuable to them. Its usefulness extends to for-profit, nonprofit, and military teams. I’ve listened as a rock band from Fort Wayne, Indiana, called The Legendary Trainhoppers kicked off a video collaboration with the Team Check-In when in-person meetings weren’t possible and they still had to do what they do—create.

Team Check-In works this way: The person introducing the exercise starts with a brief, honest self-report about being in the red, yellow, or green based on recent life stuff. Then, they ask the others: are you red, yellow, or green coming into this meeting, and succinctly, why? Red = stressed, Yellow = a few things you’re concerned about, Green = all is well.

It’s not a large time investment. It’s a tool to put distractions aside to be present to one another and your communication purpose. This courageous question builds trust and respect as it creates psychological safety. A Team Check-In delivers its most positive results when group members respond authentically. Give it a try and you might see your coworkers more fully as you let them see you.

To excel as a communicator, you must imagine life from perspectives other than your own. I try not to use the words “must” or “should” often. But this alternate perspective–seeking is a must. Life is a radically different experience in key ways depending upon one’s personality traits and many other factors. Have the courage to care about how others perceive the world, admitting you don’t know, and your most important conversations will flow more easily.

A few years ago, I taught “Internal and External Customer Communication” seminars to groups of health clinic employees. Participants were asked to name someone who, in their opinion, demonstrates very good (not perfect) service and cares about how others perceive their work. The answers are inspiring. In their words, from the prompt “Great service providers . . .”

○ Are brave enough to really try to see those they serve

○ Are caring, with service part of their identity

○ Try for excellent communication every day, in every interaction, with everyone

○ Make friends more easily because they’re inclusive

○ Demonstrate respect by listening well

○ Demonstrate humility

○ Educate others in an easy-to-approach way

○ Celebrate others’ success

○ Do whatever is needed regardless of job description

○ Talk about more than just tasks (not afraid to go deeper)

One welcome result of this training was the benchmarking that occurred. Folks chose their own goals for behavior change relating to service, looked at inspiring actions in their coworkers, and chose to replicate Pro Moves they saw in others’ styles. The downstream effect was care taken to ensure patients received the highest forms of communication this team was capable of pulling off.

Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu said the key to growth is to introduce higher dimensions of consciousness into our awareness. If we seek to understand as often as we seek to be understood, we improve how our communication is received. The brave risk is to imagine and to learn about life from perspectives other than your own. It turns out that more people take the action you hope they will when you take the approach of a curious, humble learner.

SPEAK RESPECTFULLY TO YOURSELF

It’s not all about you and them. It’s about you and you, too. By the end of your life, you’ve had more conversations with you than anyone else. It’s a smart risk to look at what’s really going on with the quality of that communication. Observe your selftalk. It’s like a TV in the background of your waking and sleeping life. What’s on? What do you say to yourself about yourself? Do you even know?

Begin to notice the tone and words you use when you speak to you. Are you helpful or humiliating? There’s a fine line between humility and humiliating. Would you speak to a friend the same way you do when you’re critical of yourself? My answer to that is: I hope not, because I can be pretty harsh with me. And that means I probably need to revise some of my mental scripts. I seem to really want myself to “GET IT TOGETHER,” but when I’m with a friend who’s down, I can sincerely verbalize their admirable traits and accomplishments at the drop of a hat. A different lens, I suppose. We get sick of ourselves.

Can we pause here to allow you to reflect on how your selftalk sounds? What’s the worst that you have to say, if anything, about you? Are any unkind words you hurl at yourself really just old recordings from unfair, or perhaps completely fair, judges you once knew? Step back from the emotional charge for a moment. Jot down a few statements you speak to yourself.

I’m proud of you for going this deep and looking this closely. What you’re doing right now is an exercise in courage. For each statement, ask: Can I refute this somehow? If so, congratulations! Do exactly that. Cross any untrue negative statements off your list. This is an exercise we might diplomatically suggest to others we care about who deal with overly critical self-talk and the resulting lower self-esteem. These damning statements aren’t something they (or you) have to carry any longer. And by the way, if you can’t logically refute the critical voice? Also I say congratulations! You found a worthy area of focus for growth, and this book is going to help you pursue it.

CHAPTER 1 Pro Move

You don’t have to keep your weaker points secret. Without oversharing, gain power to flow into new behaviors by speaking a communication goal. Tell people who might care about what you’re trying to change, so you’re accountable to your word as you try on new behaviors.

CHAPTER 1 Exercise

Be aware (beware) of what you say to yourself. When you’re proud of yourself, what do you say? Are you perhaps missing out completely on this type of healthy internal messaging?

When you’re down on yourself, what do you say? Check the validity of these statements. Are adjustments in thinking needed to get closer to the truth?