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Holding the Calm
The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension
Hesha Abrams (Author) | Ken Blanchard (Author) | Colonel Flitton (Author)
Publication date: 07/26/2022
How do you stop conflict? Settle disputes? Handle someone who is yelling at you, crying, or just won't speak? How do you find a solution when a solution seems impossible? Holding the Calm shares the secrets that enable everyone to avoid, minimize, or resolve conflict.
Popular master mediator Hesha Abrams has tens of thousands of hours in the trenches mediating human conflict, and she shares her pragmatic wisdom in digestible bites that detail how to improve situations and solve difficult problems between human beings, from family and workplace disputes to complex commercial and global conflicts. Learn how to
Speak into the ears that hear you
Be the grown-up in the room
Listen to what is not said
Create small, winnable victories
Practical, inspirational, and full of accessible tools you can use right now, Holding the Calm proves that you don't need an advanced degree or certification to minimize challenges and defuse tension between real people, businesses, and countries.
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How do you stop conflict? Settle disputes? Handle someone who is yelling at you, crying, or just won't speak? How do you find a solution when a solution seems impossible? Holding the Calm shares the secrets that enable everyone to avoid, minimize, or resolve conflict.
Popular master mediator Hesha Abrams has tens of thousands of hours in the trenches mediating human conflict, and she shares her pragmatic wisdom in digestible bites that detail how to improve situations and solve difficult problems between human beings, from family and workplace disputes to complex commercial and global conflicts. Learn how to
Speak into the ears that hear you
Be the grown-up in the room
Listen to what is not said
Create small, winnable victories
Practical, inspirational, and full of accessible tools you can use right now, Holding the Calm proves that you don't need an advanced degree or certification to minimize challenges and defuse tension between real people, businesses, and countries.
-Cindy Hallberlin, Esq., General Counsel and Chief Compliance Officer, Digital Health Institute for Transformation
You are amazing at what you do and how you approach it-world class, really. This book is an extension of that. Like reading a book from Tiger Woods about putting, Celine Dion about hitting sustained notes, or Steven Spielberg on storytelling, even if they can't perfectly reproduce the lessons of the master, readers will become better at their craft by studying the master.
-Alan Fisch, Esq., Managing Partner, Fisch Sigler, LLP
Transcending the courts and offering huge value to business, Hesha smartly delivers wisdom and power gleaned from a lifetime in mediation. All organizations have guards at the gates of change that may be detrimental to growth and value. Though difficult to identify, people, and the processes they control, often reveal themselves only when they draw swords to defend positions or the status quo, regardless of evidence or rational thought. Holding the Calm provides a playbook of techniques leaders can draw upon to help their guards capture new opportunities available to the business while preserving the valuable of the present.
-Rod Hightower, former Fortune 500 executive, private equity president, and CEO
This isnt a book on theory. Hesha Abrams is a boots-on-the-ground mediator focused on what works in the trenches of negotiation warfare. Through decades of experience of trial by fire, Hesha has discovered the secrets to dissolve egos, assuage big personalities, and loosen up those dug-in heels. Holding the Calm shares those lessons in easy-to-read, bite-size chunks. Ive highlighted my copy up and down, and will keep it near, for the next time I need to unstick a sticky situation. I want a copy for everyone on my team.
-Michael Eddy, Director, Investments and Accountability, Stanford Impact Labs
Hesha generously shares the secrets of her extraordinary success as an all-star mediator in Holding the Calm. Her goal is to help us all resolve disputes by understanding how to recognize the human traits in all people that lead to disputes of every kind. Hesha's gift is the ability to discern the motivation of those who are enmeshed in the cycle of anger, fear, pride, the urge to control, and the tarpit of negative human emotion . . . and how to lead everyone to defuse those triggers with calm and true empathy. She is truly one-of-a-kind who not only does but also teaches.
-Hon. Faith S. Hochberg, US District Judge (Ret.) and Principal, Hochberg ADR
Holding the Calm is such a powerful and important concept and tool that everyone should learn and practice, especially in todays environment. Mental health issues have been on the rise in schools. This is a very much-needed skill for students to better navigate their lives and should be in every curriculum.
-Dawn Song, Professor, Computer Science, UC Berkeley
Hesha is one of the rare people on the planet who was put here with a mission: to use her compassion, intellect, creativity, and talent to help people in conflict find peace. Her work as a mediator and peacemaker has been inspiring to other mediators, and her skill set is beautifully displayed in this very personal and very powerful new book. Hesha speaks from the heart, not just from her brilliant head. Read it and, more importantly, incorporate it into your practice. Her successes are legendary, and her passion is inspiring.
-Kay Elliott, Esq., attorney-mediator and coach for ADR advocates, Texas A&M School of Law
This book absolutely rocks. We have many colleagues that pen books that are so densely filled with medical or legal terminology or shorthand that they are inaccessible gibberish to the average reader. Then there are the volumes of mystical weirdness that encourage people to hug each other in a cosmic field filled with lavender and Skittles until their chakras fall out. Your book is direct and practical. All readers will learn something new or reimagine their current approach to conflict, regardless of their current skill level. Thank you for unleashing this knowledge into the universe! I'm already waiting for the sequel!
-David Aaron DeSoto, Esq., Senior Associate, Mann Law Firm PLLC
This book is wonderfully written and should be part of the library of all those who want to expand their knowledge and learn how to engage with conflict. Holding the Calm gives a road map to managing conflict, and the anecdotes and allegories are instrumental. Far too often, books about mediation are stiff and quite frankly dull. On the other hand, Abrams makes the topic down-to-earth, energizing, and revivifying.
-Sheryl Jackson-Matthews, MBA, mediator and arbitrator
Sometimes it seems like anger, conflict, and aggression define the human condition. Hesha's book provides the perfect antidote. A must-read for anyone who navigates life's difficult conversations: mediators, negotiators, salespeople, employees, employers, committee heads-the list is endless. You're guaranteed to improve your responses and your results!
-Sarah Caverhill, Vice President of Sales, The Ken Blanchard Companies, and coauthor of Your Leadership Legacy
What a great book! Full of really useful and practical information. Your enthusiasm for your art and passion for helping people find their peace is obvious. My favorite part was How big can we get? How smart, wise, kind, and skillful? I don't know, I'm not dead yet.' Love it!
-Hilary Rapkin, Esq., Chief Legal Officer, WEX, Inc.
As an intellectual property litigator for more than thirty years and manager of attorneys and clients for many of them, I know Hesha is correct that most conflict-focused decision-making typically comes from a place of fear. Once you understand that and the particular fears that are in play, you can use the tools outlined in this terrific book, provided in an easy-to-understand and relatable form, to move difficult people and problems to a successful conclusion. The insights provided in this book are important to understand for anyone dealing in conflict, not just mediators.
-Robert Brunelli, Esq., Sheridan Ross PC
If everyone were to know what Holding the Calm reveals, the world would be a considerably different place. In crisp and accessible fashion, Holding the Calm sheds light on how to overcome some of the most perplexing issues businesses and humans experience. I laughed, nodded, and underlined text the whole way through.
-Chris Gaspar, Esq., Partner, Milbank
Hesha Abrams is a tour de force and so, too, is Holding the Calm. Drawing on more than thirty years of high-stakes mediations, Hesha opens the door to exploring the human psyche. And that's where the real magic is: understanding people, their motivations, their fears, their need for validation, all aimed at the noble calling of finding peace. Let's hope for a sequel-this writer has more to offer.
-Craig Florence, Esq., Partner, Foley & Lardner
Hesha pours her wisdom, intuition, and gravitas into this powerful book that pulls back the curtain to reveal some of her extraordinary secrets and skills. Simply put, Hesha is the best mediator in the business. Hesha has polished her abilities to the point where they are truly out-of-this-world great. This real page-turner of a book is jam-packed full of her experiences and anecdotal stories and contains important information for any lawyer who wants to better serve clients through meaningful negotiation advocacy.
-Dawn Estes, Esq., Partner, Estes Thorne Carr
In this book, Hesha extracts from her wealth of mediation experiences key lessons and skills for mediators, mediation advocates, and negotiators. The book delivers that information in a self-help, easy-to-digest style that captures the reader's attention and invites thoughtful consideration without getting bogged down in lots of verbiage.
-Harrie Samaras, Esq., President, ADR Office of Harrie Samaras
Just read Hesha's Holding the Calm in one sitting. How refreshing that we have a book that lays out some of the most successful ways to bridge gaps and bring people together with the goal of striking a deal. I can't wait to order dozens of her book for all my lawyer friends and fellow general counsel colleagues.
-John Harvey, Esq., General Counsel, Innovation First International
Hesha Abrams has given the community a tome of serious, practical advice with interjected humor. A tome is, by definition, a heavy, serious book. Her tome is light in length but heavy in suggestions to make the magic of conflict resolution work. I am still experimenting with her suggestion of the difference between could and would. It is a good, quick read to encourage us in some of the darkest hours to use this process.
-Cecilia Morgan, Esq., JAMS panelist and ADR professional
Hesha Abrams is, by far, the best mediator I have ever appeared before. And her new book is, by far, the best book on conflict resolution I have ever read.
-Howard A. Kroll, Esq., Partner, Tucker Ellis LLP
Hesha's tools for your toolbox,' so to speak, offer helpful pathways to consider when hopelessly stuck and looking for traction. Great work-I will be shamelessly adopting ideas from your book in mediations down the road!
-Mark W. Sims, Past President, Texas Association of Mediators
Hesha has created a toolbox based on her decades of experiential knowledge, compassion, and empathy working with high-conflict issues and individuals. Holding the Calm is a gift full of guidance, advice, and helpful tips to bring peace in the midst of the storm. I particularly enjoyed the chapter on situational awareness-read the room!
-Danette J. Ross Watson, Executive Director, West Texas Community Mediation Center, and President, Texas Association of Mediators
I want to express my appreciation of, and admiration for, Holding the Calm, and the best way to do this is to vote with my pocketbook, and to that end I'd like to preorder twenty-five copies. In a profession defined by conflict, complexity, and change, few mediators have a North Star to guide them as the settlement process reaches its darkest point. Holding the Calm-filled with stories, quotes, and perspectives no one can forget-will be that North Star to many of us going forward.
-John DeGroote, Esq., attorney-mediator
I read your book during my flight to Seattle and back. Your style is so unique and your advice so specific-just about no one else does that. And if anyone else does do it, they do not do it with the skill, tenacity, wisdom, and imagination that you bring to the table. It's really good! It presents important and very useful ideas, and mediators and advocates will certainly benefit from it. Outstanding!
-Arthur Chaykin, mediator
I already knew firsthand that Hesha delivers as a world-class mediator. I didn't know whether she was any good at teaching. She's apparently great at that too. This book is filled with wisdom and offers tools that I wish every mediator had. It also provides important insights to litigators, who are in a constant negotiation during the life of their cases, not just when mediating.
-Jeff Eichmann, Esq., Partner, Dovel and Luner
Congratulations on a fine work. I believe you have really created a work of art. I loved the many examples as well as the stories. I am one of those people who learn though others' experiences. Thank you for creating this for all of us.
-Don Swift, mediator
Don't be fooled by this easy, fun read by a master mediator and deal maker. Beneath the surface lies pattern recognition and insight from decades in the trenches of strident conflict informed by recent advances in social and brain science. This brilliant book sits at the corner of theory and practice, ready to improve your game on Monday.
-Don Philbin, Jr. JD, MBA, LLM, Curator, ADR Toolbox
The book contains so much wisdom, advice, and encouragement that it is worth reading again and again and again. It's needed and important! The book is light (a good thing) and intelligent. Thanks for sharing at so many different levels.
-Gene Roberts, Jr., Esq., Director, Student Legal & Mediation Services, Sam Houston State University
Hesha explains her performance-based strategies in Holding the Calm in an easy-to-understand and easy-to-apply way. Hesha's techniques provide a special awareness of people that help lead to successful outcomes.
-Judy Eddy, Educator, American Association of University Women
All the anecdotes, historical notations, and personal stories kept me engaged from beginning to end. I did feel like we were sitting across from each other chatting away. I was recently thinking about the post office and all the current chaos, and it reminded me about the past shootings and how we haven't had any there. Thank you for explaining why!
-Lisa Rogy, Business Practice Manager, Back on Point Wellness Dr. Kim Chiropractic, Inc.
CHAPTER 1
YOU TALK TO PEOPLE FOR A LIVING?
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
—JOSEPH A. LEFANTE
I LIKE TO START resolution discussions by telling people that logic, reason, and rationale are their worst tools. They all laugh. They’ve already tried them, and they haven’t worked.
Most of my deals start with people saying they want $100 million and the defendant saying, “Here’s ten grand, and go away.” Then both sides argue their points, trying to prove how right they are. Never in the history of the game has one side said to the other, “You’re right, I didn’t analyze the situation correctly. I didn’t research it correctly. I didn’t investigate it correctly. Your logic and reasoning are superior. You are right. Thank you for shouting or arguing away my ignorance. I’ll go away now.”
Most people do not communicate or listen well. Most do not listen at all, or if they do, they already know what they are going to say and are simply pretending to be polite and waiting for a moment to say it. This is when people just patiently wait and take turns talking. But listening—that takes maturity and receptivity, which are in short supply when we are in a disagreement or fight. When in conflict, we suffer from auditory exclusion and ocular inclusion. This is neuroscience’s fancy way of saying we stop hearing and stop seeing. Even if the other side shouts louder, threatens more aggressively, bribes, or withdraws, the conflict doesn’t resolve. It may get buried for a while, but it remains active.
I started mediating in 1983. I met a woman at an American Bar Association meeting and asked her what she did, you know, the typical lunch chitchat. She said she was a mediator. Surprised, I asked, “What’s that?” After she explained, I almost shouted, “You mean you talk to people and solve problems for a living?” I was enthralled.
I was a young woman trial lawyer then. These were the days when I was called “little lady,” and no one wanted to hear my opinion. I was simply tasked with taking a deposition or writing a brief for another lawyer. It didn’t matter how capable I was; opportunities for women were very limited back then.
My first job as a young lawyer was with a well-known law firm. I set up my office. I was excited to even have an office. I bought a gorgeous desk set, with two beautiful round coral marble paperweights. A male partner in the firm, who was opposed to hiring a woman lawyer, strutted into my office and grabbed one of my round paperweights, threw it up in the air, and arrogantly asked, “What the heck is this?” I smiled and said, “Every lawyer should have balls.” He glared at me, put it down, and never spoke to me again.
After I got pregnant, I think the firm was afraid to fire me. The senior partner was my main advocate because he saw real potential, but support was touch and go even with that. When I was fully nine months pregnant, I applied for a job as a judicial clerk to a federal judge. As I was waiting in his office for my interview, the judge arrived, saw me in my nine-month, huge tent dress, smiled at me, and then asked his secretary if his twelve o’clock interview was here yet. She nodded at me, and he blanched. Fortunately, the interview went well. I got the job. Apparently, pregnancy was going to work for me.
The amazing thing about the judicial clerkship was that I learned how decisions were made. I was naïve enough to think people would review the evidence and use deductive reasoning to come to a decision. Boy, was I wrong. All decision makers are human beings. Human beings have biases, preconceived notions, and filters. These observations were the beginning of my lifelong study of human decision-making.
Logic, reason, and rational thinking seemed to be extremely poor persuasive techniques. So many human factors came into play, including how the information was presented or the credibility of the witnesses. For example, people might think, that guy looks like Cousin Mike and we know Mike is a liar. We like big companies, we hate big companies, we trust the government, we distrust the government, and so on. The search for the “big T” Truth usually turns out to be many “little t” truths that come from different perspectives and use different standards and lenses. Human decision-making is complex and oh so interesting.
Getting a job, even with my great résumé, was still tough for a woman back in the early eighties. I ended up working for a small law firm where the male senior partner knew he could cheaply acquire great talent by hiring women since most firms wouldn’t hire women litigators, especially if they were outspoken. I learned a lot from him because he threw me into the deep end my first day and I was trying cases immediately.
After a few years of winning cases I should have lost and losing cases I should have won, I was very disheartened with “the game.” The more money you had, the more talent you could buy, the more expert witness reports you could manipulate, and the more judges you could contribute to—it didn’t seem fair. Win or lose, the clients were often just not satisfied. But now, mediation. Talking to people and trying to figure it out? That made much more sense to me.
MEDIATION OPENED ME UP
Back in the day, mediation was still largely unknown and thought of as some touchy-feely act or something labor unions did to avoid a strike. Now, thankfully, mediation is an integral part of legal systems throughout the world. It occurs in all US judicial and most business organizational systems and is commonly used to resolve, and even prevent, conflict. I helped draft the Texas law allowing courts to order parties into mediation more than thirty years ago. That law has been copied across the country, and now mediation is commonplace. Other countries have followed this example, and mediation has spread like the wind across the globe. How wonderful! The mediation process itself brings civility to humanity by helping extinguish rage, anguish, fear, injustice, and conflict.
I’ve been blessed to have a laboratory for more than thirty-five years in which to practice, experiment, play, and develop new techniques, tools, methods, and stories to help move folks closer to where a deal is possible.
HOW HOLDING THE CALM WAS BORN
Holding the Calm moves us forward, through, or above conflict in a way that will actually work—not a theory or someone’s idea of what should work but what does actually work with human beings. Holding the Calm is about being heard, understood, valued, and safe. Both the simplest, gentlest person and the roughest, toughest person you know need to know this method.
Learning about the interesting psychology of loss aversion was a game-changer for me, which I’ll go into more in chapter 9 “Winning? Or Not Losing.”1
Want an interesting way to test the theory right now? Go ahead and practice it on your kids or grandkids. The following story is just a taste of what’s to come in this book. Let’s say I want my child to make her bed every morning. The normal strategy is to give her a quarter every day that she makes her bed. You might get compliance for a little while, but then the chore becomes boring to the child and the quarter isn’t worth it. The bed is a hot mess again. What if you give her seven quarters, one for every day of the week, and line them up on the window sill. Every day that she does not make her bed, you will take a quarter away. Now she owns the seven quarters, and you’re going to take one away from her? No way! Suddenly those quarters are highly valuable because they already belong to her. She may lose one quarter but will then make her bed every single day for the rest of the week. She doesn’t need to learn the lesson twice. It’s a much more potent message for compliance. Lest you think this only works with kids, au contraire—it works with all human beings. Once someone owns something, it is much more valuable to the person than something that someone else owns. This is even true of groups of people. You can apply this to all kinds of situations.
Would you like another example? Let’s say I have a lottery ticket. The winning pot is $1 million. The ticket cost me $1. How much would you pay me for my ticket? Now, change the scenario. You own the lottery ticket—same $1 million pot and it also cost you $1. What’s the least amount you would sell that ticket for? Are the two numbers the same? They should be. The math and logic are the same. However, for 80 to 90 percent of all people, across all cultures, genders, races, and socioeconomic groups, the two numbers are different.
I created this little game and have used it dozens of times in many different trainings, group meetings, and even mediations. The responses are always the same: 80–90 percent of people choose two different numbers. Why? Because something that belongs to me is always seen as more valuable than something belonging to you. I am more averse to losing something of value that I already have than I am to something I might obtain. Additionally, human beings tend to want more. We dislike things being taken away from us. We think more will make us happy. We think more will fill the holes in our psyche or heal wounds from our childhood. We want to feel valued and taken care of. This is true for the sweet, gentle spirit as well as the rough, tough type A personality.
Understanding this is a form of Holding the Calm. It’s setting up a situation so that it is perceived as favorable. It is letting people reframe what is theirs to avoid losing. This can work even during a power grab. Reframe the grab as a potential loss, and the valuation of the gain will reduce to allow other solutions to emerge.
Keep reading, you’ll be amazed at what can happen.